Mothering Many

Dear Kids,
Thank you so much for polishing off an entire box of popcorn and four bags of Doritos over the weekend. I know you only did it because you love me and don’t want me to get fat. But I would have enjoyed the popcorn, and they do make weight loss pills if I totally lose control of myself.

I do like to share with you, don’t get me wrong. But share implies that I get some, too.
Love,
Mom

Dear Girls,
You are next. I had hoped that you would take warning after seeing what happened to your brothers, but no. No, you did not. I am not going to let this neglect cause me to frown and sigh and need anti wrinkle cream. I will offer to help you with it this weekend, and the weekend after that, I will tidy it myself. And I will smirk while I do it.
Love,
Mom

Dear Boys,
I cleaned your room for you. Yes, I broke down, because I was going to rip some one’s hair out, either yours or mine, I couldn’t decide, and I thought it would be better to just pack all your stuff up in plastic bags rather than have to go buy hair loss products for us. Now, if you can manage to keep your NOthing clean for a little while, eventually you will earn the privilege of have SOMEthing. But not all at once. A little at a time, and only for as long as you keep it picked up.
Love,
Mom

Dear Kids,
After perusing the report cards you brought home recently, I must admit that I am very proud of you all. Keep up the great academic performances and perhaps you will one day qualify for management jobs instead of menial ones. I’ll be trying to follow the same advice in my own classes.

Now, you there. Yes, Nameless One. About your poor conduct grade? Unacceptable. Take note.
Love,
Mom

Dear kids,
Today’s note is just a reminder to always wear the appropriate safety clothing. This includes a helmet if you are riding your bike outside of our fenced yard. But only if you want to ride it again. If you don’t want to ride again for a month or so, go ahead and go helmet-less. Doesn’t matter to me, I will not mind your company one bit as you serve your sentence!
Love,
Mom

Dear kids,
Please stop putting stuff on my new printer. If you break the cover, that’s not something the scanner software can fix. I will have to buy a NEW printer and then I will be angry. The relatively small printer is that box in the very middle of the relatively large table. Use the table to hold your crap. The only thing allowed on the printer is my reading glasses. Capish?

Love,
Mom

Dear kids,
I just wanted to let you know my plans for the weekend. Most of you will be gone and so you can ignore this message. As for those of you who plan to stay, I will not be preparing gourmet meals, not will there be any shopping for shoes womens, or much of anything else. I may run to the store for some fried chicken and potato salad, but that’s about it. I plan to spend the weekend studying for a psych exam that I am pretty sure will kick my booty come 2pm Monday, and writing. That’s right, a little writing retreat right here at home. Do not stand between me and my pens, and do not block the coffee pot.

Love,
Mom

Dear Boys, and by boys, I mean all persons of the male gender who live and/or visit here,
I am tired of hearing about your junk. I don’t want to see your junk. I gave birth to most of your collective junk, and really, it’s standard junk. Please keep it to yourself. And no, I will not order you any testoripped. You aren’t fat, you don’t need to add any lean muscle mass, and you *certainly* don’t need any more testosterone in your system. Thanks, and have a great day.

Love,
Mom

Dear Kids,
just because I buy a treat doesn’t mean you have to eat it all in one sitting. Without me. Next time, I’m gonna try the best fat burner I know. You guys can go run around the block a couple of times while *I* get at least one scoop of ice cream! I hope we’re clear now.

Love,
Mom

Dear Kids,
We seem to have developed a misunderstanding lately. When I tell you goodnight, after giving you a 30, 15, 10 and 5 minute warning, what I mean is that it is time to go to BED. Not time to ask for extra blankets, look for your snuggle, remember your behind has not been washed for 3 days or that you didn’t do your homework, ask for another drink of water, or whatever other potential sleep aid you can think of. Mommy’s tired. Goodnight!