Mothering Many

Dear kids,
Today’s note is just a reminder to always wear the appropriate safety clothing. This includes a helmet if you are riding your bike outside of our fenced yard. But only if you want to ride it again. If you don’t want to ride again for a month or so, go ahead and go helmet-less. Doesn’t matter to me, I will not mind your company one bit as you serve your sentence!
Love,
Mom

Dear kids,
Please stop putting stuff on my new printer. If you break the cover, that’s not something the scanner software can fix. I will have to buy a NEW printer and then I will be angry. The relatively small printer is that box in the very middle of the relatively large table. Use the table to hold your crap. The only thing allowed on the printer is my reading glasses. Capish?

Love,
Mom

Dear kids,
I just wanted to let you know my plans for the weekend. Most of you will be gone and so you can ignore this message. As for those of you who plan to stay, I will not be preparing gourmet meals, not will there be any shopping for shoes womens, or much of anything else. I may run to the store for some fried chicken and potato salad, but that’s about it. I plan to spend the weekend studying for a psych exam that I am pretty sure will kick my booty come 2pm Monday, and writing. That’s right, a little writing retreat right here at home. Do not stand between me and my pens, and do not block the coffee pot.

Love,
Mom

Dear Boys, and by boys, I mean all persons of the male gender who live and/or visit here,
I am tired of hearing about your junk. I don’t want to see your junk. I gave birth to most of your collective junk, and really, it’s standard junk. Please keep it to yourself. And no, I will not order you any testoripped. You aren’t fat, you don’t need to add any lean muscle mass, and you *certainly* don’t need any more testosterone in your system. Thanks, and have a great day.

Love,
Mom

Dear Kids,
just because I buy a treat doesn’t mean you have to eat it all in one sitting. Without me. Next time, I’m gonna try the best fat burner I know. You guys can go run around the block a couple of times while *I* get at least one scoop of ice cream! I hope we’re clear now.

Love,
Mom

Dear Kids,
We seem to have developed a misunderstanding lately. When I tell you goodnight, after giving you a 30, 15, 10 and 5 minute warning, what I mean is that it is time to go to BED. Not time to ask for extra blankets, look for your snuggle, remember your behind has not been washed for 3 days or that you didn’t do your homework, ask for another drink of water, or whatever other potential sleep aid you can think of. Mommy’s tired. Goodnight!

Dear Kids,
Lay off the chocolate. I know that the mere fact that we have a two pound bag of it up there in the cabinet drives you crazy, but I like chocolate, too. If you eat all of it, I won’t have any, and that will make me angry. Then I shall make you all do lower ab workouts until *I* feel skinny. That’ll teach ya!

Love,
Mom

Dear Kids,
as you know, I have gone back to college. This is the weekend of my first week, and I am swamped with reading. I appreciate that you guys are behind me on this. It really helps a lot. I wanted to share with you one of the most important things I have learned this week: online classes are just as hard as seated classes. Don’t think that earning an online business degree is a cakewalk. YOu still have to read a lot, AND you have to self-motivate.

Love,
Mom

Dear Kids,
I have repaired the power supply inlet on the laptop I let you use. Please be more gentle with it in the future. If you succeed in actually, breaking the darn thing beyond repair, there is no budget for a new Asus for you. And even if there were, I only buy new toys for people who take care of their old ones.

Love,
Mom

Dear Kids,
be careful what you do! Even though baccarat cigars may taste good, they are still cigars. Now, I am not going to tell you not to smoke. That would be silly. I will tell you that cigarettes and cheap cigars make you stinky and a detrimental to your health, but I am not going to deny that tobacco can be very enjoyable. So, when you indulge, if you indulge, let it be just that: an indulgence. A rare treat. Then, buy the very best you can afford, and enjoy it. Non-standard advice from your non-standard mother.

Love,
Mom