Mothering Many

Dear Kids,
When called upon to do the dishes, please scrape the plates *before* you put them in the dishwasher. Chicken bones do not belong in there. And use the trashcan, not the sink. You know we do not have a garbage disposal, and there is also no swimming pool pump on our sewer lines. Do you really think we need to put that yuck into what will eventually come back into our house as drinking water? No? Me either.

Love,
Mom

Dear Kids,
I am so glad that you enjoy building, and I admire how creative you all are. But if you don’t mind, please pick up all those legos and the pieces from your plastic model kits, as well as the random thumbtacks, nails, screws, and assorted other small pointies. The vacuum cleaner hose and my bare feet will thank you.
Love,
Mom

Dear Kids,
I know that you enjoy riding your bikes. I know that you enjoy tinkering with them and souping them up. But do you realize that all those bike parts laying around make our yard look horrible? And that the actual bikes, if you persist in leaving them laying in the yard and driveway will probably get run over or stolen? No? Well, I know we don’t have fancy storage like these thule bike racks at cracksandracks.com, but we do have a lockable shed. I suggest you start using it.

Love,
Mom

Hi Guys!
Just a reminder: I know you are in school again now, and probably bored with it after 3 days. But my semester starts next week, and usual, I will have mountains of homework to complete. I will miss out laid back evenings and such, and I know you will, too, but let’s keep our eyes on the prize: in a couple more years, Mommy will be able to apply for Psychiatric Aide Jobs instead of “retail clerk jobs”, and hopefully be making more than minimum wage. That means you can be expecting more than minimum food, clothing and shelter, and won’t that be grand? So thanks in advance for your cooperation! You guys are the best.

Love,
Mom

Dear Kids,
please find the dictionary, and look up the word above. You will see that one of the definitions says something about a plan for balancing income and outgo. We are not the government. Just because you see credit cards in my wallet does NOT mean I can buy you whatever you see that you think you want. I know that doesn’t seem fair. Feel free to get a J-O-B. But only after you finish your assigned chores!

Dear Kids,
I can tell you did not read my blog yesterday, because while I was taking my quiz this morning, the six of you collectively interrupted me no less than 8 times, mostly to answer questions that I had already answered. As a result, I did not do as well as I had hoped. For this, you shall receive 30 seconds of evil mommy glare! And when I buy my university graduation gifts in 2013, I will have to take this into account when I decide whether or not to share the loot. Just saying.

The good news is that I will be done with school for the summer on Friday, and after that, it will not interrupting, but interacting, and that should make all of us happier.

Love,
Mom

Dear kids,
When I announce that I am doing homework, this means several things.
1) Do not ask me for food every three minutes. I fed you before I started, and I will feed you when I am done, and you will not die of hunger in the intervening three hours. The frig dispenses water right from the door, so don’t ask me for a drink, either.
2) Do not play ninja. It gets me rattled.
3) Unless you sustain a new wound and it is bleeding profusely, please wait until I get up to pee to ask me to look at it. There are many of you, and so I have to pee every ten minutes. The wait will be short, I promise.
4) Do not ask me about social security disability. You are healthy and you are young, and you do not need it. Unless of course, you continue to violate rules one, two and three.

Love,
Mom

Dear Parents,
See, another one, in honor of back-to-school shopping! What? Your teen isn’t begging for cute new clothes? Yeah, that’s what I thought! So, check out these dereon duds. Yep, the ones Beyonce backs. Hey, you gotta start shopping sometime, and if you wait until the last minute, you are just going to end up rushed and frustrated. Unless, of course, your kids have to wear uniforms to school, which is the case with most of mine.
Love,
Cass

Dear Other Parents,
See, taking a little sidetrip on the the “Dear Kids” thing, mostly because kids don’t care about saving mom and dad a few pennies. Take a look at the coupons here. Neat huh? Fits right in with my new habit of scouring the sales papers and using those customer loyalty cards most stores offer now. Cause if there is anything better than saving a few cents on a product, it’s getting that product free just because I bought something I needed anyway.

Love,
Cass

Dear Kids,
One more note about food, and then I am done for the day. Eat your vegetables. Man does not live by roasted meat and tater tots alone. Green stuff is good for you. It keeps you regular. And by that, I mean that you don’t get so constipated that you need a colon cleanser just to move your bowels. And also, you won’t clog the toilet so much. Just sayin’
Love,
Mom